Aperture Science Employee: Millard Wheatley
by CheezyPortalFan
Summary: A description of Human Wheatley with a few bits of his life thrown in the mix. One-shot.


He had the eighth highest IQ in the building.

He had degrees in Computer Science, Robotics, Architectural Design, and Applied Mathematics. (Computers, he loves them.)

Give him a (previously) unsolvable equation? He'll have it solved in a week.

Ask him to make an AI program for the Turret Production Line? He'll hand it in next Thursday.

Tell him to draw up schematics for a wing made of glass? He'll give you the blueprints in 4 hours, with 2 others in case the first isn't satisfactory.

No one disputed his solutions to formula, or doubted his equations.

One of the reasons he was so 'brilliant' was that his thought process worked absolutely nothing like a 'normal' person's would, his mind made INSANE leaps of logic. And where a 'normal' person would be thinking one thought and slowly advancing, his mind would be working 4 problems at the same time and skipping all the unnecessary bits like 'Is this practical?', 'Does this have a use?' and 'Is this possible?'

He was about 6'7" tall, had sandy brown hair, wore black rectangular thick-framed glasses, and his neon-blue eyes that were almost inhuman in color, and his face was cute if not adorable. His legs looked strangely elongated, but he was by no means a weak man, he could carry about 89 pounds for roughly twenty or thirty minutes without getting too sore or tired. (And don't ask how he knew that, let it be said that he will never work the trauma out of his mind.)

He was given the 'Kindest Employee Award' every year he worked at Aperture Science.

Cave Johnson himself offered to give any man who could find a man more socially awkward than him an 80% raise.

But, no one, **NO ONE**, asked him for advice that could fall in the category of 'Anything that isn't related to technology, math, or physics'… **EVER.**

Why? Because he had absolutely no common sense, or anything related.

Ask him "You are in a room where you must place a Weighted Cube on a 1500 Megawatt Button to leave. Your goal is to find the easiest way to get the Weighted Cube on the 1500-Megawatt Button, What do you do?" He will leave, then come back 2 hours later with schematics for a Weighted Cube with legs and a path-finding AI that seeks 1500-Megawatt Buttons. With a prototype made of a cardboard box, two coat hangers, and scavenged electronics.

If you let him anywhere NEAR an AI, even a particularly grumpy or homicidal one, he will have befriended it in no more than fifteen minutes, and will be playing Checkers with it the next time you look. Even the prototype Central Core DOS AI doesn't despise him as much as she despised everyone else.

His name, was Millard Wheatley

Though, he preferred to be called Wheatley, because he thought that Millard was one of the WORST names ever given to anyone. Ever.

He got along with everyone. Okay, maybe not everyone, but the amount of people who hated his guts (4) was negligible compared to the people who didn't mind him being there with. (3,758)

People laughed at him whenever he had a particularly silly, fanciful, or otherwise just downright impractical thought or idea. Though, it took him a moment or three to figure out exactly what they were laughing at.

Despite how many times he denied it, or proved it with an IQ test, everyone thought he was a moron because of the way he thought. Eventually, though, he snapped, and he claimed he was "Clumsy, and maybe a bit absent-minded at times, but I AM NOT. A. MORON."

Wheatley liked his job for the most part, he was the 'Head Technician' in Division 7, or, 'The Robotics, Programming and Design Division'. His job, basically, was to make sure that all the projects him and his 3 'Technician Minions' are given get done. He does most of the base programming and draws most of the schematic drafts, then his minions debug, add to, and streamline his base code until it fits the parameters, he looks it over. Then his minions streamline and modify his schematics until they are perfect as well. His laboratory is constantly littered with bits and pieces of robotic prototypes and components, but if anyone found a SINGLE dust bunny, he would give them a hundred dollars.

Only when he was sick, being reprimanded for accidentally knocking a scientist over and giving a test subject the ability to escape during the confusion, (which happened more often than one would think). Getting reprimanded for accidentally diverting a Pneumatic Tube to the wrong area and causing thousands of dollars of property damage, did the Technician Minions get to draw their own schematics or write the base code.

Wheatley's greatest inventions include (but are not limited to) the Aperture Science Handy Helpful Test Accompanying Companion Bipedal Helper, the Aperture Science Gravity Reversing Projectile Cannon (Which he fondly refers to as the 'floaty gun' because it can suspend things in the air'), and the Aperture Science Test Subject Clothing Dispenser and Incinerator Chute.

If not for the fact most everyone was almost constantly laughing at him and his "silly, impractical, stupid ideas" and his phobias such as Acrophobia, Mysophobia, Arachnophobia, and his panic attacks he gets when he feels like he's being chased. His job would be perfect.

If anyone ever asked what Wheatley's _least_ favorite job would be, he would answer with a certainty that no man should ever have, it would be, a Relaxation Attendant. Why? Because It was his first job, and his job was to go into 40 8'x8' rooms a day, push a button on a Portable Relaxation Attendant Help System and Suspension Room Controller, then ask a Test Subject a few cognitive challenging questions, (like, "Ten birds were sitting in a tree and a hunter shot one. How many birds were left in the tree?") And then put them back in suspension. He would rather scrape the remains of the Aperture Science Test Mice off of the inside of the Aperture Science Test Mice Stress Tester than have _that_ job again.

Wheatley was also not the healthiest of people, for example, his diet mainly consisted of:

Cup Noodles

Canned Soup

Waffles

Various Microwavable Meals

But he did not really have any health problems aside from his extreme allergic reaction to cats. Now, Wheatley hated cats, absolutely LOATHED them, but his neighbor has 3. And the cats love to loiter outside his front door waiting for him every morning, to pounce on him. EVERY. FREAKING. MORNING. And, every morning, he considered murdering them, or pushing them in front of a car and staging an accident. But, after about 20 seconds of throwing them off of him, (Just before he reaches down to strangle them) the neighbor comes outside and takes them in. Wheatley thinks this is because his neighbor has a video security system right outside his apartment's door, and tapes the cats attacking him every morning (Unbeknownst to him, his neighbor had compiled a highlights tape of all the times Fluffy, Poofy, and Steve attacked him)

Wheatley had never really been the bravest if his friends, but he never really could scrounge up the courage required to ask the girl from Accounting he fancied out for drinks, even though she was one of his co-workers and he saw her everyday in the Employee Lounge. However, one day he finally managed to scrounge up the courage, and was _just about_ to ask her, when one of his Technician Minions barged in screaming, "WHEATLEY! WHEATLEY! *pant* Central AI! *pant pant* Accident! Need you! *pant pant* come *pant* now!" That day, he had three and a half minutes to write a virus to shut down the prototype Central Core DOS AI before she got control of the ventilation system and started flooding the facility with Aperture Science Industrial Strength Deadly Neurotoxin. He couldn't manage to stop her before she broke the last firewall, but he shut her and the Deadly Neurotoxin off with only forty-eight seconds left before everyone would have died. After that, Wheatley decided to wait, and watch for just the right moment to try to ask if his crush would like to accompany him on a date.

Unfortunately, however, he never got the chance, because he died in a failed Personality Core experiment to see if they could give a person immortality. Because he was one of Aperture's hardest workers and smartest minds, and they wanted to see if they could preserve his unique mind forever. The resulting construct could not remember any of his old life, and also had an IQ of 53, but otherwise had roughly the same personality traits as its predecessor and, thus, was nicknamed Wheatley. Almost everyone who he passed by on his Management Rail instantly became sad upon seeing him, and some even burst into tears.

Wheatley never could figure out why.

* * *

><p><strong>A.N.**

**Hello anonymous reader!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Wheatley. Or portal. Or Valve. Because they own Wheatley. And Portal.**

**Any and all ****valid**** criticism would be greatly appreciated!**

**I hope you have enjoyed this and I have not made any horrible mistakes or flaws worthy of bannage for being awful. **

**Thanks for reading!**


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